From the Illustrious Files of "WHAT THE HELL?!"
About ten months ago, my mother decided that I should try internet dating. It made sense: I'm an introverted nerd, the internet is full of introverted nerds, and maybe an e-romance website would help me find an introverted nerd of my very own. This is fast becoming a new entry in my running list of advice my mother gave me that I never should have taken, because damn, people are seriously crazy.
You see, I'm not just introverted and nerdy. I'm also fairly attractive. This is a problem, because other introverted nerds see the conjunction of relative nerdiness, intelligence, and hotness and start acting creepy, which freaks my introverted self the ever-loving fuck out (in addition to making my inner radical feminist throw temper tantrums). You would not believe some of the weird-ass things people have actually said to me:
1. "Have my children." Not only has this actually happened, it's happened multiple times. Ew. Gross. While you can argue that dating is ultimately a quest to find a suitable person to combine DNA with (unless you're childfree, I guess), it's definitely not one of those things you mention on the first date, much less on an internet dating site. Seriously. What on earth would possess me to mix my awesometastic DNA with that of a freaky pervert who happens to be older than both of my parents (42 and 45)?
2. "Be my sub [or insert any other variety of recipient of freaky sexual preference]." Thanks to the internet, I have reaffirmed the fact that I am a freak magnet. I'm really not sure how or why that's happened, but I really wish it would stop. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but seriously, folks, discussions of weird sex practices shouldn't happen until at least the fifth or sixth date (or whenever you determine that there is a realistic possibility that sex will actually occur). Hardcore BDSM is not an appropriate springboard for a conversation, unless you are on a special forum for that kind of thing. Asking random strangers on the internet to dress in head-to-toe latex so your fiberglass ropes won't chafe them is not cool, daring, edgy, or sexually arousing (even if I were into that). It's creepy.
3. "Have a three-way/poly fling with me and my girlfriend/wife." This really bothers me for a couple of reasons. I think a lot of this is the direct result of me making the grievous error of honestly stating my sexual orientation (which is really unfortunate when you think about it). Once again, unsolicited sexual propositions (outside of appropriate forums) are sketchy. That said, people really need to get it through their thick heads that being queer is NOT the same thing as being polyamorous or into three-ways or other forms of group sex. To assume something like that is really obnoxious (and kind of offensive).
4. "Hi, I'm (at least) fifteen years older than you, think your profile is 'deep,' and want to date you!" I can't think of any not-sketchy motivation that someone that much older than me would have to want to date me. I'm fairly mature for my age, but I'm still twenty-two, not finished with undergrad, and think I know everything. I'm pretty sure I'd drive anyone from that age group up a tree, and yet they still insist on hitting on me. Ick. Bonus creep-out points when they're older than my parents (which isn't difficult, since my parents had me at fairly young ages).
5. "Hi, I am a hard-core Christian Republican who hates everything you stand for. Will you have sex with me?" I really love it when people with blatantly misogynist opinions hit on me. Really really. It's like, "Oh, you hate my ideology but you'll grace me with your sex because I'm hot enough to meet your dubious standards-- but only until you find a Nice Christian Woman to take home to your parents and eventually marry?" And they always seem to think that I'll be more than happy to hop in the sack with them and get completely offended when I inform them that I don't have relationships of any kind with sexist cretins who don't respect me. I've kicked guys out of my room for being anti-choice before, and I'll do it again. It's not negotiable. The entitled attitude that they have makes me ill.
6. "I just got in from Iraq and I'm a WAR HERO. It's your patriotic duty to nail me!" See above. Once again, I'm not sure what would possess a DECORATED WAR HERO to hit on me, an ultra-liberal pacifist who has opposed the war in Iraq since well before it even started-- except for the prospect of hot sex with an easy liberal chick. Sorry, Bubba, it doesn't work that way. I hear they sell confederate flag bikinis down near the Country Music Hall of Fame. You can find you a nice woman there.
This is just the short version.
I'm still keeping my account. The LOLZ it's provided me with have been
invaluable in times of stress, and I've made several really cool
friends from it as well. I'm not really interested in romance at this
stage, anyway. And when I get interested again, I'll hit the bars,
because they're way less weird than the internet.
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